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TEAM'S Coach noticed that his star player, Wayne, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day, after practice, the coach asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?"
So Wayne replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw them forever!"
The coach decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early. When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?"
PERNAH dengar pasal kapal Rachel Corrie yang telah belayar untuk menghantar bantuan ke Gaza tetapi telah diserang oleh askar Zionis Israel.. Ni cerita asal usul nama kapal berkenan....
Pada 30 Mac 2010, sebuah kapal seberat 1800-tan telah dibeli melalui lelongan di Dundalk, Ireland dgn harga 70,000 pound sterling oleh Gerakan Pembebasan Gaza (Free Gaza Movement). Ianya telah diperbaiki dan diperlengkapkan untuk pelayaran ke Gaza. Kapal itu dinamakan Rachel Corrie.
Siapakah Rachel Corrie? Rachel Aliene Corrie (April 1979 - March 16, 2003) adalah seorang warga Amerika dan ahli International Solidarity Movement (ISM).
Dia telah dibunuh dengan kejam oleh Tentera Yahudi ketika percubaan menghalang jentolak Zionis meruntuhkan rumah saudara kita penduduk Palestin yg bernama Samir Nasrallah di Semenanjung Gaza. Pihak Yahudi yang terkenal dengan sifat yg keji telah menafikannya tetapi bukti dan saksi telah berjaya menunjukkan memang dia telah dilanggar dan dengan sengaja.
Menurut akhbar Corrie dan rakan-rakan beliau bertindak menjadi Perisai Manusia. Beliau yang mengambil cuti setahun dari pengajiannya di Evergreen State College telah ke Palestin untuk menyertai Intifada ke 2. Beliau telah meninggal dunia akibat cedera parah akibat tekanan melampau pada dada yg menyebabkan tulang rusuk, tulang belakang, skapula dan dorsal spinal column, paru2 kanan koyak dengan pendarahan teruk di kaviti pleur
Dia dilanggar oleh Bulldozer Yahudi sebanyak 2 kali, ya 2 kali dan Yahudi masih mengatakan ianya kemalangan.
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well, then just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
That man then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead, take it out." He said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands . Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
WE all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."
TSOK: If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
SAIDINA ABU BAKAR RA BERKATA:
Orang yang bakhil itu tidak akan terlepas daripada salah satu daripada 4 sifat yang membinasakan iaitu:
1. Ia akan mati dan hartanya akan diambil oleh warisnya, lalu dibelanjakan bukan pada tempatnya atau;
2. Hartanya akan diambil secara paksa oleh penguasa yang zalim atau;
3. Hartanya menjadi rebutan orang-orang jahat dan akan dipergunakan untuk kejahatan pula atau;
4. Adakalanya harta itu akan dicuri dan dipergunakan secara berfoya-foya pada jalan yang tidak berguna
TSOK: Perbanyakkanlah bersedekah walaupun bukan di bulan Ramadhan
YA ALLAH! Berikanlah Kekuatan Kepada Ku, Untuk Menegakkan Perintah-Perintah-Mu, Dan Berilah Aku Manisnya Berdzikir Mengingat-Mu. Berilah Aku Kekuatan Untuk Menunaikan Syukur Kepada-Mu, Dengan Kemuliaan-Mu. Dan Jagalah Aku Dengan Penjagaan-Mu Dan Perlindungan-Mu, Wahai Dzat Yang Maha Melihat.
HIS request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
TSOK: When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have No money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.
A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my Husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".
A father came home and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.?In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
RASULULLAH SAW ada bersabda, katanya, Setiap anak Adam akan dijaga oleh dua malaikat. Malaikat yang di sebelah kanan lebih berkuasa dari yang sebelah kiri. Sekiranya seseorang anak Adam melakukan dosa maka malaikat yang di sebelah kiri akan bertanya pada malaikat di sebelah kanan katanya, "Apakah yang harus aku catit?"
Kata malaikat di sebelah kanan, "Jangan kamu catit dahulu dosanya sehingga ia melakukan 5 kesalahan."
Malaikat yang di kiri bertanya lagi, "Kalau ia telah melakukan 5 kesalahan, apa yang harus aku catitkan?"
Jawab malaikat kanan, "Biarkannya, sehingga ia membuat kebaikan kerana kami telah diberitahu oleh Allah SWT bahawa satu kebaikan akan mendapat 10 pahala. Oleh itu hapuskanlah 5 kesalahannya yang lalu sebagai tebusan dan kami masih simpankan untuknya 5 pahala lagi."
Tercenganglah syaitan mendengarkannya lalu berkata, "Kalau macam ini sampai bilakah aku dapat merosakkan anak Adam??"
Demikianlah rahmat Allah pada hambanya, kasih sayangNya melimpah ruah tiada terbatas hanya hambanya saja yang lalai dan leka dengan keseronokkan serta kemewahan dunia.
YA ALLAH! Berikanlah Aku Rezeki Akal Dan Kewaspadaan Dan Jauhkanlah Aku Dari Kebodohan Dan Kesesatan. Sediakanlah Bahagian Untuk Ku Dari Segala Kebaikan Yang Kau Turunkan, Demi Kemurahan-Mu, Wahai Dzat Yang Maha Dermawan Dari Semua Dermawan!
AKU agak tertarik dengan tajuk utama newspaper The Malay Mail nih.. tentang ugutan bunuh yang diterima MP nih... tapi aku xambil pot pun aper cerita disebaliknya, peluru M-16 tuh ke, atau sebabnyer ke.. just aku tertarik dengan surat ugutan tuh ajer..
Jika CSI Miami ke, NY ke LV yang menyiasat kes nih, aku pasti suspek utama yang akan dipanggil adalah Nabil Raja Lawak.. sebabnyer 'tagline' Nabil iaitu "Lu Fikirlah Sendiri' terdapat dalam surat ugutan tersebut... jika di US bende2 macam nih diambil kira ape.. haha.. papepun, org yang menghantar surat ugutan nih xagak2.. ciptalah tagline sendir kot yer pun.. kalo kene tangkap nnt sure Nabil akan tuntut royalti sebab menggunakan 'tagline die.. haha
Disebaliknya, jangan memain dengan orang Malaysia sekarang nih.. sumernyer ada darah pendekar, pantang tersentuh mesti sentap.. TheMalayMail
TSOK: Ingatkan peluru sniper...
1. No Breakfast
People who do not take breakfast are going to have a lower blood sugar level. This leads to an insufficient supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain degeneration.
2. Overeating
It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to a decrease in mental power.
3. Smoking
It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to Alzheimer disease.
4. High Sugar consumption
Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of proteins and nutrients causing malnutrition and may interfere with brain development.
5. Air Pollution
The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our 20 body. Inhaling polluted air decreases the supply of oxygen to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain efficiency.
6. Sleep Deprivation
Sleep allows our brain to rest... Long term deprivation from sleep will accelerate the death of brain cells...
7. Head covered while sleeping
Sleeping with the head covered increases the concentration of carbon dioxide and decrease concentration of oxygen that may lead to brain damaging effects.
8. Working your brain during illness
Working hard or studying with sickness may lead to a decrease in effectiveness of the brain as well as damage the brain.
9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts
Thinking is the best way to train our brain, lacking in brain stimulation thoughts may cause brain shrinkage.
10. Talking Rarely
Intellectual conversations will promote the efficiency of the brain
JAKE wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh that... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
HAD serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
SUATU malam perempuan ini dalam perjalanan balik ke rumah dari tempat kerjanya. Kebetulan dia mengambil jalan singkat untuk pulang. Jalan yang diambil pula agak tersorok dan tidak banyak orang yang lalu lalang pada masa itu. Disebabkan hari yang agak sudah lewat, berjalan di jalan yang agak gelap sebegitu membuatkan dia agak gelisah dan rasa takut. Lebih-lebih lagi dia berjalan bersaorangan.
Tiba-tiba dia nampak ada seorang lelaki (kulit putih Amerika) bersandar di dinding di tepi lorong itu. Dia sudah mula rasa takut dan tak sedap hati. Apa yang dia boleh buat waktu tu adalah berdoa ke hadrat Allah memohon keselamatan atas dirinya. Dia baca ayat Kursi dengan penuh pengharapan agar Allah membantu dia disaat itu. Masa dia melepasi tempat lelaki itu bersandar, dia sempat menoleh dan dapat mengecam muka lelaki itu. Nasib baik lelaki itu buat tidak endah dan perempuan ini selamat sampai ke rumahnya.
Keesokkan paginya, wanita ini terbaca dalam akhbar yang seorang perempuan telah dirogol oleh seorang lelaki yang tidak dikenali dekat lorong yang dia jalan semalam hanya 10 minit selepas dia melintasi lorong tersebut. Muslimah ini yakin benar lelaki kulit putih yang dia lihat semalam adalah perogol itu.
Atas rasa tanggungjawab dia terus ke balai polis dan buat aduan. Wanita ni dapat mengenalpasti suspek melalui kawad cam dan selepas siasatan dilakukan, polis dapat bukti bahawa lelaki tersebut adalah perogol yang dicari. Tapi perempuan ini hairan juga kenapa lelaki tadi tak jadikan dia mangsa ketika dia melalui lorong tersebut walhal dia keseorangan di masa tu, tetapi lelaki tadi rogol perempuan yang lalu selepas dia. Wanita ini nak tahu sangat sebabnya. Jadi dia minta kebenaran polis untuk bercakap dengan perogol tersebut.
Dia pun tanya perogol itu: "Why don't you do anything to me on that night even though you know that I'm alone?" (Kenapa awak tak buat apa-apa kat saya malam tu walaupun awak tau saya seorang je masa tu?)
Perogol tu jawab: "No, you are not alone. That night I saw two young man walking with you. One on your right side and the other one was by your left side. If you were alone of course you will be my victim." (Tak, awak bukan berseorangan. Malam tu saya nampak ada 2 orang lelaki berjalan dengan awak. Seorang sebelah kanan awak dan sorang lagi sebelah kiri awak. Kalaulah awak sorang2 malam tu, sudah pasti awak jadi mangsa saya..)
Wanita ni rasa amat terkejut bila dengar penjelasan perogol tu. Dia bersyukur ke hadrat Allah kerana memelihara dia malam itu, mungkin juga berkat ayat Kursi yang dia baca malam itu.
- From a true story
TSOK: Iktibar untuk semua wanita
Ya Allah! Dekatkanlah Aku Kepada Keridhoan-Mu Dan Jauhkanlah Aku Dan Kemurkaan Serta Balasan-Mu. Berilah Aku Kemampuan Untuk Membaca
Ayat-Ayat-Mu Dengan Rahmat-Mu, Wahai Maha Pengasih Dari Semua Pengasih!!
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