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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't. I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajama! s, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
Teen age: Have Time + Energy …but No Money
Working Age: Have Money + Energy …but No Time
Old age: Have Time + Money …but no Energy
We should be thankfulFor The Husband Who Complains When His Dinner Is Not On Time, Be Thankful That He Is Home With You, And Not With Someone Else.
For The Teenager Who Is Complaining About Doing Dishes, Be Thankful That She Is At Home, Not On The Streets.
For The Taxes That You Pay, Be Thankful As It Means You Are Employed.
For The Mess To Clean-up After A Party, Be Thankful Because It Means That You Have Been Surrounded By Friends.
For The Clothes That Fit A Little Too Snug, Be Thankful Because It Means You Have Enough To Eat.
For The Place That Need Washing Dusting, Windows That Need Cleaning, And Water Pipes That Need Fixing, Be Thankful Because It Means You Have A Home.
For The Parking Spot You Can Find Only At The Far End Of The Parking Lot, Be Thankful Because It Means You Are Capable Of Walking And That You Have Been Blessed With Transportation.
For The Pile Of Laundry And Ironing You Have To Do, Be Thankful Because It Means You Have Clothes To Wear.
For Weariness And Aching Muscles At The End Of The Day, Be Thankful Because It Means You Have Working Limbs .
For The Alarm Clock That Goes Off In The Early Morning Hours That Irritates You, Be Thankful Because It Means That You Are Still Alive.
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as
she climaxed.
Afterward, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"
Ubadah bin Samit RA pernah bertanyakan Rasulullah SAW mengenai LailatulQadar.
Antara jawapan baginda:
" Di antara tanda-tanda pada malam itu ialah ianya mempunyai suasana ketenangan dan sedikit kecerahan, tidak kepanasan, tidak kesejukan. Bulan berkeadaan terang tanpa memancar hingga ke subuh. Tiada panah-panah api yang dilontarkan kearah syaitan. Tanda yang lain pula ialah matahari di pagi itu naik tanpa cahaya yang bersinar kuat, muncul seolah-olah seperti bulan purnama (penuh). Pada hari itu Allah mengharamkan syaitan untuk naik bersama-sama dengan matahari."
Antara jawapan baginda:
" Di antara tanda-tanda pada malam itu ialah ianya mempunyai suasana ketenangan dan sedikit kecerahan, tidak kepanasan, tidak kesejukan. Bulan berkeadaan terang tanpa memancar hingga ke subuh. Tiada panah-panah api yang dilontarkan kearah syaitan. Tanda yang lain pula ialah matahari di pagi itu naik tanpa cahaya yang bersinar kuat, muncul seolah-olah seperti bulan purnama (penuh). Pada hari itu Allah mengharamkan syaitan untuk naik bersama-sama dengan matahari."
Ya Allah! Jadikanlah Aku Orang-.Orang Yang Menyintai Auliya-Mu Dan Memusuhi Musuh-Musuh Mu. Jadikanlah Aku Pengikut Sunnah-Sunnah Penutup Nabi-Mu, Wahai Penjaga Hati Para Nabi.
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Q: Why is sex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: What is the difference between an underwear & a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over, but when you pull down the underwear..... it is showtime!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Because 90% boys are right handed.
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Q: Why is sex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: What is the difference between an underwear & a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over, but when you pull down the underwear..... it is showtime!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Because 90% boys are right handed.
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting changed for the 19th hole. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man picks it up, engages the handsfree speaker function, and begins a conversation.
Man: "Hello?"
Wife: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Wife: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
Man: "What's the price?"
Wife: "Only $1,000."
Man: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
Wife: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2010 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ..."
Man: "What price did he quote you?"
Wife: "Only $60,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Wife: "Great! But before we hang up, something else ..."
Man: "What?"
Wife: "I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach-front property."
Man: "How much are they asking?"
Wife: "Only $1,450,000 - a magnificent price. It may seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account ... and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $1,420,000. OK?"
Wife: "OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
Man: "Bye ... I love you too ..."
The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man holds up the phone and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
One day Lee Kwan Yew went to Thailand and had lobster at the dinner with the Thai King. After Lee finished, he asked the King.
Lee : Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster skin?
King : We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce some prawn cracker.
Then Lee had an orange. After he finished, he asked the King.
Lee : What can you do with the orange skin?
King : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce some orange jam.
Then Lee asked for some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on the plate and asked the King.
Lee : What can you do with the chewing gum?
King : Oh, no. We just throw it away.
Lee : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce condoms send it to Thailand.
Lee said good-bye to the King and the King asked Lee.
King : What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
Lee : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
King : Oh, no. In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to the factory to produce chewing gum and send it back to Singapore!!!
Daripada Hazrat Abu Hurairah RA berkata Rasulullah SAW telah bersabda,
“Sesiapa yang berdiri beribadat pada malam Lailatul-Qadr dengan iman dan ihtisab (berniat untuk mendapatkan ganjaran) akan diampunkan dosanya yang terdahulu.”
Hadith Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim
“Sesiapa yang berdiri beribadat pada malam Lailatul-Qadr dengan iman dan ihtisab (berniat untuk mendapatkan ganjaran) akan diampunkan dosanya yang terdahulu.”
Hadith Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim
Ya Allah! Aku Memohon Kepada-Mu Hal-Hal Yang Mendatangkan Keridhoan-Mu,
Dan Aku Berlindung Dengan- Mu Dan Hal-Hal Yang Mendatangkan Kemarahan-Mu, Dan Aku Memohon Kepada-Mu Kemampuan Untuk Mentaati-Mu Serta Menghindari Kemaksiatan Terhadap-Mu, Wahai Pemberi Para Peminta.
Dan Aku Berlindung Dengan- Mu Dan Hal-Hal Yang Mendatangkan Kemarahan-Mu, Dan Aku Memohon Kepada-Mu Kemampuan Untuk Mentaati-Mu Serta Menghindari Kemaksiatan Terhadap-Mu, Wahai Pemberi Para Peminta.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two months. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, mozzarella sticks and pork strips.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?.LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let other go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please, while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and out of the window he jumped. As he began running down the street, he discovered he had by chance landed slap in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to"blend in" as best he could.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Another runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes! That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
He replied, "Err... only if it's raining."
Once there was a tennis player. In the tennis game, she played very well and won great fame.
Jane was her first name,
What was her last name.
Find Jane's last name
Two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each caught one fish. However, only three fish were caught.
Q: How was this possible?
It was the first day of school. The teacher had several children in her class. She asked all the new children to write down their names and their date of birth for her.
The first two names she looked at were those of girls. She saw that they both had the same last name. They also had the same birthday - June 9,1983.
"Will Jane and June campbell please stand?" asked the teacher.
Two girls stood up, and the teacher saw that they were just alike. "Oh, you're twins," she said.
One of the girls shook her head. "No," she said. "We're sisters, but we're not twins."
Q: How could they be sisters and be the same age, but not twins?
A man was waiting at an airport for a plane to arrive. Suddenly, he heard someone call his name. Looking up, he saw an old friend of his hurrying toward him.
"Hey, Bill!" called his friend. "How are you? I haven't seen you in years!"
"How are you?" exclaimed Bill. "Wow, you look great!"
"I am married now, to someboby you don't know," said the other. "This is my daughter."
Bill smiled down at the little girl. "Hi, young lady. What's your name?"
"It's the same as my mama's," said the girl.
"Is that so," said Bill, winking at his friend. "Then your name must be Cindy!"
Q: How could he possibly know this?
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Damn, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sees she's agitated and asks what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumes.
"That's outrageous!" says the man. "He's a public servant and shouldn't be insulting passengers."
"You 're right!" the woman says. "I think I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," says the man. "'I'll hold your monkey."
1. F***ing once a week is good for health, but is harmful if done everyday.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation to mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't take heavy food, opt for liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
6. F***ing reduces weight for sure...
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation to mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't take heavy food, opt for liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
6. F***ing reduces weight for sure...
So the conclusion is...
Aishah RA berkata,
“Ya Rasulullah! Beritahulah kepada saya sekiranya saya tahu malam manakah Lailatul Qadr, apakah doa yang sepatutnya saya pohon?”
Rasulullah SAW bersabda,
“Katakanlah:
“Ya Rasulullah! Beritahulah kepada saya sekiranya saya tahu malam manakah Lailatul Qadr, apakah doa yang sepatutnya saya pohon?”
Rasulullah SAW bersabda,
“Katakanlah:
اللهـُــمّ َ إ ِنـّـَـكَ عـَــفـُــوّ ٌ تـُــحـِــبّ ُ الـْـعـَــفـْــوَ فـَــاعـْـفُ عـَــنـِّـى
“Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah Maha Pengampun dan Engkau sukakan pengampunan maka ampunilah daku.”
Hadith Riwayat Ahmad, Ibnu Majah dan at-Tirmuzi
“Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah Maha Pengampun dan Engkau sukakan pengampunan maka ampunilah daku.”
Hadith Riwayat Ahmad, Ibnu Majah dan at-Tirmuzi
Ya Allah! Sucikanlah Aku Dari Dosa-Dosa, Dan Bersihkanlah Diriku Dari Segala Aib. Tanamkanlah Ketaqwaan Di Dalam Hatiku, Wahai Penghapus Kesalahan Orang-Orang Yang Berdosa.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.I think I'll just wait for the police...."
Daripada Ibnu Umar RA bahawasanya beberapa orang lelaki dari para sahabat Nabi s.a.w. diberitahu dalam impian mengenai tibanya lailatul-qadri iaitu dalam tujuh yang terakhir (yang dimaksudkan ialah antara malam ke 22 sampai malam ke 28)Rasulullah s.a.w. lalu bersabda: "Saya melihat impian-impianmu semua itu sesuai iaitu pada tujuh yang terakhir. Maka barangsiapa hendak mencari lailatul-qadri itu, hendaklah mencari-nya pada tujuh yang terakhir itu juga."
Muttafaq 'alaih
Ya Allah! Bukakanlah Bagiku Pintu-Pintu Karunia-Mu, Turunkan UntukkuBerkah-Berkah Mu. Berilah Kemampuan Untuk ku Kepada Penyebab-Penyebab Keridhoan-Mu, Dan Tempatkanlah Aku Di Dalam Sorga-Mu Yang Luas,
Wahai Penjawab Doa Orang-Orang Yang Dalam Kesempitan.
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say, I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterward we, translators, will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said "Who Are You?"
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha...."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha."
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room, nobody knew what to do!
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, Appears to kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too...”
Sabda Rasulullah SAW.; ‘
Tiga doa yang sangat mustajab, doa orang yang puasa, doa orang yang di zalimi dan orang yang musafir.’
Hadith Riwayat Ahmad, Bukhari, Abu Dawud & Tirmidzi
Tiga doa yang sangat mustajab, doa orang yang puasa, doa orang yang di zalimi dan orang yang musafir.’
Hadith Riwayat Ahmad, Bukhari, Abu Dawud & Tirmidzi
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