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An old man and an old woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'
Dear Dr Phil,
I have a problem here. When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime - barramundi fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves barramundi fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said my wife doesn't care about fishing She not only refuses to join us and she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful barramundi you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice barramundi that we caught and showed the picture to my wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell my wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two barramundi we caught.
Look at this picture and what you think? HahaThese are signs in Japanese Metro Trains..
That Japanese words means;
That Japanese words means;
'Priority seats for:-
1. person with injured arm
2. person holding a child
3. pregnant woman
4. person with injured leg
1. person with injured arm
2. person holding a child
3. pregnant woman
4. person with injured leg
"We will do it" means " You will do it"
"You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
"We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
"Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done... At least not tomorrow !".
"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
"There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
"Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"
"We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
"We had slight differences of opinion" means "We had actually fought"
"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
"You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
"We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"
"Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected" means "Well you know..."
"We are a team" means "I am not the only one to be blamed"
"That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"
"All the Best" means " You are in trouble"
Untuk beberapa tahun, Ahmad Suffian telah mengadakan hubungan sulit dengan orang gajinya,Sutina ...Suatu hari, Sutina memberitahu Ahmad Suffian yang dirinya mengandung ...
Ahmad Suffian yang tidak mahu merosakkan perkahwinannya, telah mengambil keputusan untuk menghantar Sutina balik ke Bandung untuk melahirkan anak mereka di sana. Beliau berjanji akan menanggung segala kos untuk anak tersebut sehingga anaknya nanti berusia 18 tahun ...
Supaya rahsia mereka berdua tidak terbongkar, Ahmad Suffian menyuruh Sutina supaya menghantarkan sekeping poskad dengan menulis perkataan "Mee Bandung" dibelakangnya setelah anak mereka lahir nanti. Ahmad Suffian akan menguruskan segala perbelanjaan untuk anaknya setelah mendapat poskad itu nanti.
Suatu hari, 9 bulan selepas itu, ketika Ahmad Suffian pulang dari kerja, isterinya Norzalina menegur Ahmad Suffian dengan muka yang keliru.
"Bang ... abang dapat poskad yang peliklah hari ni," kata Norzalina.
"Oh, tak pe ... bagi poskad tu kat Abang. Nanti abang jelaskan," kata Ahmad Suffian.
Norzalina pun memberi poskad itu kepada Ahmad Suffian dan melihat Ahmad Suffian membaca poskad tersebut, sebelum muka Ahmad Suffian bertukar menjadi biru, ungu dan terus pengsan!!
Poskad itu berbunyi ...
"Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung, Mee Bandung - 2 ada telur, 2 tiada telur. Tolong hantarkan kuah lebih ya!"
Seorang pekerja swasta telah membuat panggilan ke LHDN dan bertanyakan 'Form 'B'. Salah seorang kerani LHDN telah menjawab panggilan tersebut dan bertanyakan alamat bagi membolehkan borang tersebut dihantar dan berikut adalah perbualan mereka
Kerani LHDN : Boleh bagi alamat encik?
Pekerja Swasta : Ok, hantar ke Ranhill Worley di opis saya.
Kerani LHDN : Apa Ranhill? ...... eja macam mana?
Pekerja Swasta : R.A.N.H.I.L. L eja dia camni : 'R'.. untuk Rumah... 'A' untuk Ayam .. 'N' untuk Nangka... 'H' untuk Holland ... 'I' untuk itik.. 'L.L' untuk lain- lain.... Alamat di......'
Kerani LHDN : Ok.. nanti kami hantar ke alamat itu
Selepas seminggu, borang tersebut pun sampai - jom tengok alamat di sampul surat !!!
Kerani LHDN : Boleh bagi alamat encik?
Pekerja Swasta : Ok, hantar ke Ranhill Worley di opis saya.
Kerani LHDN : Apa Ranhill? ...... eja macam mana?
Pekerja Swasta : R.A.N.H.I.L. L eja dia camni : 'R'.. untuk Rumah... 'A' untuk Ayam .. 'N' untuk Nangka... 'H' untuk Holland ... 'I' untuk itik.. 'L.L' untuk lain- lain.... Alamat di......'
Kerani LHDN : Ok.. nanti kami hantar ke alamat itu
Selepas seminggu, borang tersebut pun sampai - jom tengok alamat di sampul surat !!!
Ada sepasang pengantin baru berada di kamar pengantin, di malam pertama. Pada tengah malam itu, tiba-tiba isterinya mengerang, "Adoi.. Sakitnya bang...! Macam mana ni bang..?"
Suaminya lantas menenangkan isterinya, "Jangan nangis Sayang.. Nanti emak ayah dengar.. Mereka mungkin belum tidur lagi tu.." Kebetulan bilik mertua hanya bersebelahan kamar tidur pengantin.
Tapi kerana tidak dapat menahan sakit, isterinya tambah kuat mengerang. Mahu tidak mahu, si suami pun berkata, kali ini kuat sedikit suaranya: "Sabar Sayang! Tahan saja.. Esok baru cabut."
Sejak dari tadi si mertua lelaki masih belum tidur. Dia memang terdengar anak perempuannya mengerang, tadi dia tidak peduli, biasalah malam pengantin, fikirnya. Tapi kali ini dia sudah hilang sabar. Dia bangun, pergi ke bilik sebelah lantas menendang pintu kamar pengantin.
Dengan rasa geram bapa mertua berteriak: "Ko ni kenapa hah? Tak faham ke? Anak aku boleh mati kalau besok baru kau nak cabut! Cabut sekarang juga!"
Terkejut besarlah kedua pengantin tu. Sambil tersipu-sipu pengantin perempuan pun berkata kepada ayahnya: "Abah, takkan sakit gigi pun boleh mati.. Lagipun manalah ada Klinik Gigi yang buka 24 jam?".
MAKE ONE YOUR COMFORTABLE CHOICE AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT JOB
One day, you get lost in the wilderness while travelling. It gets dark and you have no choice but to seek refuge in a small hut nearby. The owner tells you all his rooms are haunted. Which room will you choose?
The room where:-
Room (A)
Ahuman head stares at you maliciously from outside your window
Room (B)
The bathroom door creaks open and close, and there are sounds of a woman sighing
Room (C)
The bed starts rocking violently whenever you try to sleep on it
Room (D)
a headless ghost sits at the foot of your bed when you awake in the middle of the night
His name was Fleming and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.
And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
TSOK: What goes around comes around.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?".
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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